If life is pain
by rjt040190
Summary: It's been three years since Liz left. Three years of feeling the pain. Three years since Ressler saw her last. And now she's back.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own The Blacklist... of course I don't.

A/N: After watching episodes of The Blacklist I just kinda fell in love with these two. To tell you the truth, after watching the TV show I couldn't help it. I _had_ to write about them...

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As Elizabeth Keen stepped out of her car and saw the house in front of her, she felt a huge lump in her throat. Three years ago, she lost everything that meant the world to her. While tears pooled in her blue eyes, she felt an unbearable ache in her heart. She was used to the pain, but being there, so close to the life she had before, getting flashes in her head of those memories all at once, overwhelmed her whole being, making Liz feel it tenfold. When she was a little girl, all she desired was to live in a house like this one and be happily married. That wasn't too much to ask. Wasn't it?

Three years ago she had it all; all the above and then some. She was a FBI Profiler and was very good at it. To be honest, to her it wasn't 'just' a job. No, to her it was more than that. With the help of a criminal like Reddington, she and her colleagues were able to put away the worst scums on earth. It was very important to her to help people who weren't able to fight back against those scums.

For three long years, she wasn't around to help, and that made her feel sick in her stomach. Liz had left everything she loved behind her, everything and everyone. God, it hurt so much. Three years ago, she left _him_. She left the man who was her best friend, her husband, and her partner.

"Donald Ressler." she whispered, as bitter tears rolled down her cheeks.

Finally Liz allowed herself to say his name aloud. At that very moment it became too much for her to handle. As a heart wrenching sob escaped her lips, she fled. Liz hurriedly walked back to her car, almost tripping over her own feet.

"Damn it!" she scolded herself, got into her car and sped away.

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Donald Ressler was tossing and turning in his bed, unable to sleep. As a sigh escaped his lips, he opened his eyes and looked at his phone. It was 5:30 in the morning. God, what he would do to have just one good night sleep. He'd kill for it, like literally. Ressler and his team were working a case that just drained all the energy out of him. If that wasn't enough, Reddington was being a huger pain in the ass these last few days. He wondered what that was about.

It was a miracle that he hadn't lost his patience with the older man. There were a few times, when he _almost_ wrapped his hands around Reddington's neck. It was that bad.

As he shook that thought off, Ressler got up and decided to go for a run. He changed and grabbed his phone on his way out. While Ressler ran his usual route, he all of a sudden realized what day today was. No. Today was... no! These last few days were so hectic at work that he realized just now that she...  
He attempted to block that particular memory, but he failed miserably. The more he thought about it... about her, the faster he began to run. At one point his legs gave him warning signs. He was running too fast, his heart beating so fast, it almost felt like he wasn't able to breathe.

"No!" he cursed under his breath.

All he wanted right now was to forget. Forget what had happened. Forget the pain that he lived with for the last three years. He wanted to forget... her.  
Why does she keep haunting him even after so long? Why?  
As he slowed down, Ressler let out a breath, his eyes filling with tears. At one point he came to a stop, and felt a gut wrenching pain in his heart. He had moved heaven and earth trying to find her, but he he never did. She just vanished into thin air. And the worst of it all is that she didn't tell him why.  
Why Liz?

At the moment he felt like crap, worse than ever before. If only he could just forget...  
But just as Ressler was about to regain some control over his body and the whirlwind of painful memories, he was taken out of his thoughts by his phone ringing. He wanted to ignore it, let it go to voicemail, but the phone kept ringing. And even though the noise began to annoy him immensely, Ressler decided to answer it.  
"Whoever you are, you're annoyingly persistent. Do you know that?" he growled.

After a few seconds, he heard a familiar voice on the other side of the line. "Hi, Ress."


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2: All my agony fades away_**

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 ** _"Hi Ress."_**

As those two words reached Ressler's ears, he was so shocked that he let go of his phone.

It can't be her. No. All he wanted to do at that moment, was to pick up his phone from the sidewalk and talk to her. But Ressler didn't have the courage, nor the strength to do so. All those years when she wasn't around, he hoped and prayed for her to come back to him. Wishing that she would knock on the door and that everything would be good again. And forgotten. A million times he imagined that she'd be back, he'd take her in his arms, and he would forgive her in a heartbeat. But now it's very clear to him that he couldn't go back there. No.

Looking at his phone, he contemplated what to do. He stood there for a little while, not even realizing that it began to rain. People were opening their umbrellas, and some ran for shelter. They ran passed him, searching for cover, but not Ressler. No, he didn't. He was in such a shock, his whole body began to shake from the cold, but Ressler ignored the whole world around him... His focus was on Liz, and only her.

From a distance, Liz was watching Ressler. Seeing him like that in the rain, looking at his phone on the sidewalk, made her heart break into pieces. For years, she carried the pain in her heart with her, the awful feeling since she lost Ressler. But what she felt then, was _nothing_ compared to what she felt at this exact moment. As she watched him, she felt such an _excruciating_ pain go through her body, from her head to her fingers and her toes. He was shivering, but it was like he didn't even care about the rain. He looked so lost and broken, a mere shadow from what he used to be.

At one point, she wasn't able to bear it any longer, so she decided to do something about it. Liz put her fears aside, gathered _all_ the courage that she still had left, and slowly began closing the huge gap between them.

It was like Ressler knew that someone was watching him. He slowly turned around and saw her. His Liz- it was really her... He desperately wanted to move. Oh, God he wanted to get away... from her. He wasn't ready to see her yet. No, he wasn't. As he saw her coming closer towards him, Ressler wished that the ground would swallow him whole.

'No, please don't.' was what he thought, when he saw her closing in on him.

The closer she got, the harder it became for him to breathe. At one point she stood right in front of him, and it was such a coincidence that at that moment the rain had stopped. He couldn't look her in the eyes, so he turned away from her. Liz swallowed hard, when he did that. Was he so repulsed by her that he couldn't even look at her? Tears pooled in her eyes, as it dawned on her that he may never be able to forgive her. Liz knew that she did an unforgivable thing, but had Ressler become so unforgiving?

At that moment _she_ was the one who wanted to run, but she didn't have the heart to leave him like that. So, Liz attempted to get his attention.

"Ress." she said, her voice so soft but she knew that he heard her.

Still, she saw no reaction from him."Donald, look at me. Please?"

When he heard her pleading voice, the invisible walls around him began to crumble. He wasn't capable of resisting her anymore. As he looked up, and their eyes locked, Liz broke down and cried.

"I- I'm so s-sorry." she sobbed, as her whole body shook.

God, he wanted so bad to console her, but he didn't want an apology. He wanted, no- he _needed_ an explanation! That was what he desperately needed right now.

"Why are you back? Where have you been?" he asked, as he observed her face.

She was as beautiful as he remembered. As beautiful like every night in his dreams; her sky blue eyes, her plump pink lips, and her dark brown locks. God, he missed her so much!

At the moment Ressler wanted to resist her, but he couldn't even if he tried. He wanted to make sure that she was _real_ , that this was not a dream, that he wasn't hallucinating. So, he slowly and carefully brought his right hand towards her gorgeous face. When she saw that he was about to touch her, Liz' heart skipped a beat. As his fingers collided with the sensitive skin of her cheeks, her eyes automatically fell shut. Ressler desperately tried to stop his hand from shaking, but the feeling of her soft skin on his fingertips made that impossible. At last. She was here and it was her. It was _really_ Liz. No dream, but reality. The woman he loved with all his heart was in his life again.

Liz felt so happy at that moment. She did, but she knew that it wouldn't last. She couldn't promise him tomorrow, all that mattered was that they had now. This happiness was just temporarily, but she wanted to take whatever Ress was willing to give her _right now_...

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A/N: Thank you for the feedback.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3: Fire meet gasoline_**

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 ** _This happiness was just temporarily, but she wanted to take whatever Ress was willing to give her right now..._**

At this moment Ressler wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms. He wanted- no, he needed to feel her warm body against his. And just as he was about to do that, he heard a phone ring. Liz' eyes immediately shot open, and she muttered." Sorry, I have to take this."

Ressler stood there, watching her and thought about all the things they had been through together. He could't comprehend why Liz did what she did three years ago. She used to tell him everything; if something was up he was the first to know. Besides the fact that they were partners and best friends, he and Liz were married also. She'd tell him time and time again that he was her rock. What had changed? Why did she leave without a trace?

Ressler was taken out of his thoughts by her voice."Ress, you're shivering! Let's get you some warm clothes, OK?" she suggested, the sound of her voice filled with concern.

"Yes." he replied, and began walking towards his apartment, after he grabbed his phone from the sidewalk.

((()))

As they entered his apartment, Liz looked around the place. There was a black couch and the kitchen was white. ' This is so him.' she thought, as a small smile appeared on her pink lips. Everything in the apartment was in black and white; from the curtains to the chairs and the dining table. There were no greys or colors.

"You can take a seat, Liz." he suggested, as his eyes locked on hers."I'm going to take a quick shower and change in some warm clothes. Be right back, OK?"

Liz hesitated for a second, and yet decided to do as he had asked of her. So she nodded and took a seat on the comfortable couch. 'This is so him' she thought once more.

The moment Ressler walked into his bedroom, he let out the breath that he had been holding. Liz... she was so close. She was in the other room; just the thin wall was separating them from each other. She was right there, and all he wanted to do was hold her. Liz was so close, and yet he felt like he couldn't reach her physically.

Ressler took of his wet clothes and stepped into the shower, the warm water soothing the muscles on his back and the rest of his body." Liz." he whispered, as his eyes fell shut.

From the living room, Liz began to tap nervously at the white coffee table. She couldn't wait any longer; it didn't seem like Ressler was gone for just a few minutes. She checked it on her watch, and it was _indeed_ just ten minutes since he had left the room. But to her it seemed like forever.

"I'm so _not_ gonna wait any longer." She mumbled, and got up.

As she walked towards his room, her heart pounded in her chest. God, please don't make me do things I'm gonna regret later.' was what went through her head, while she entered his bedroom.

Liz saw the wet clothes in a pile on the floor, and closed the gap between her and Ressler. And just as she was about to step into the bathroom, she saw him walking out of the shower. He had a towel around his waist...

Ressler was startled, because he didn't expect to see her in his bedroom.

"Liz." he whispered, his eyes locking on hers.

At that moment, Liz knew that it was a huge mistake to be here in his bedroom.' No.' was what she thought.

As their eyes kept locking on each other, Liz knew that she had two choices: stay or flee. In one split second she decided to flee, but it was no use. It was as if her feet were rooted to his bedroom floor. As he looked at her with those piercing blue eyes, Liz thought about them. They had _so_ much history together; he had saved her life so many times and the other way around also. He had picked her up countless times, and she loved him so much for that. She still did, even after everything what had happened. At that moment, Liz knew that she couldn't _ever_ love anyone else like she loved Ressler...

As her emotions became too much for her to handle, Liz broke eye contact with him. Ressler knew that she was contemplating what to do. He knew her so well, and still did. At one point he saw in her eyes that she wanted to run, so he decided to make damn sure that she wouldn't do just that. Yes, he needed an explanation. He wanted to know why she had to leave him. He wanted her to tell him all of it, and he sure as hell was going to make damn sure she'd tell him the whole truth.

But first he had to make her want to stay." Liz, look at me." he said, his voice demanding.

The moment those words left his lips, Liz felt a shiver go through her spine. God, she loved how demanding he could talk!

At that, her eyes automatically landed on him again. This time Liz didn't hold back. Her blue eyes roamed over his beautiful, wet body. His blond hair was wet also, and she saw a trail of water going down his chest till it disappeared into the towel that was wrapped around his waist. Liz gulped, and shook her head, wanting nothing more than to run.

'Run!' was what her head told her to do, but her body wanted to stay... here... with him.

She looked up again and saw him closing the gap between them. "Liz."

Her heart rammed against her chest, as she observed him. All of him. "Ress." she whispered, her throat suddenly so freaking dry.

Liz wanted to avert her eyes, but they seem to have a mind of their own. Her eyes landed on his chest, and then on his gorgeous abs. God, help me...

"My eyes are up here." he whispered, when they were just one step from each other.

Liz' heart skipped a beat, as their eyes locked again. He was looking at her with so much love in his eyes... God. And there it was again, that painful, gnawing feeling in her gut.

"I- I'm a very ho-horrible person, Ress. D-don't let this happen." She whispered, her voice breaking.

Liz didn't have the heart to hurt him again. She knew he deserved an explanation; one that she couldn't give. And she also knew what was about to happen right now. She had to stop it! Cause she loved him too much...

So Liz gathered the very last of her courage and strength, and softly cleared her throat. "I have to go." she said, as tears pooled in her eyes.

"No." he simply replied. " Stay."

She shook her head, and decided to walk away, but her legs weren't cooperating.

"I'm gonna make you stay, Liz. Cause I know you want to stay."

At that, she shook her head."No. This is a bad- a very bad idea. In fact I shouldn't be here. This is a mistake." Liz answered, her voice trembling, while she took a step back.

You would think that he would get angry or be disappointed at hearing what she just said to him. But no, instead Ressler looked at her with pleading eyes and attempted to close the gap between them. At this point, Liz was panicking like crazy! The look on his face, the glint in his blue eyes made her a bit scared. Liz was scared, because she knew that she was _not_ capable of resisting him any longer.

"Stop there." Liz warned weakly, but he kept closing in on her, until her back hit the wall.

She was trapped, and she had nowhere to escape!

Ressler didn't want her to be afraid of him, but he had to do this. He had to make her tell him why she left three years ago.

"Why did you leave? Don't you know how much you hurt me?" he uttered, his voice shaky.

"Ress, I- I cannot..." she began, but at this point he had lost his patience with her completely.

He lightly grabbed her by the arms. Their faces were so close to each other, that he was able to smell her delicious and oh so familiar scent. Her perfume smelled heavenly. At this point, Ressler's body was pressed lightly against hers, making her weak in the knees. At that very moment, he wanted so badly to kiss her hard on her pink mouth, but he wanted to make a point first. She doesn't get away with leaving him for three years, and just show up now without any explanation! God, he loved this woman... the woman who stood between him and the wall at the moment. He'd give his life for her. Doesn't she know that?

"Tell me, Liz? Why did you hurt me so badly?" He asked, his voice pleading.

Ressler was fighting very hard against the urge to kiss the delicate skin of her neck. So instead, he pressed his body closer onto hers, feeling her soft and warm body mold into his. He then brought his lips to her ear and whispered. " Now that you're back, I will not loose you again, but first you're gonna tell me the truth." Understood?"

The feeling of his warm, soft lips on her earlobe, made her knees turn into jelly.

Liz' eyes automatically fell shut, because his fiery breath on her neck made a delicious shiver go through her spine. She almost couldn't focus on what she was trying to do: she was attempting to flee. But Liz' attempts were weak compared to the things Ressler was doing at the moment. His hot body pressed onto hers, was slowly but surely driving her completely mad! Liz had the urge to lock her hands around his neck and pull him even closer, but she denied herself that crazy urge. She desperately wanted to jump him and do naughty things to him, but she refused! Instead, she clenched her hands into fists and didn't touch him.

As his scent invaded her nostrils, Liz whimpered softly, making Ressler almost loose it. God, he wanted to throw her on his bed and…

At one point, her breath hitched in her throat and all she could think about was how good it must feel to have his warm mouth on hers. She shook that wonderful thought off, and weakly said.

"I r-really have to go, Ress. Let me go."

At that, Ressler laughed wickedly.

"You're mean." She replied, and took deep breaths, while telling herself not to give into him.

" _I_ am mean? I'm the one who's mean, Liz? Really?" he retorted, his face so close to hers, and his warm body pressed more into hers.

Liz was _literally_ losing the fight, because the man she loved was right. He was _not_ the mean one. _She_ was... she was the bad person in this. She left _him_.

God! What she would give to put her hands on him one more time. What she would give to touch him again. Ressler was confident that he would be able to break her; he was _so_ sure that Liz was the first one to give in.

"Tell, me. Why did you leave?" he asked, his hot breath tickling her sensitive skin.

All of a sudden Liz' eyes fluttered open, and with all the strength she had left, she put a hand between the two of them. As she placed her hand on his chest, she pleaded.

"Let me go."

Ressler let out a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment. As they fluttered open, he replied." Fine."

The sound of his voice was cold, and the look in his eyes indescribable.

But just as he was about to step back, Liz changed her mind, and mumbled a "What the hell."

She finally caved, and grabbed his face roughly with both her hands. That action startled him, but he didn't have a chance to think. Before he knew it, Liz pulled his face down on hers, making their lips collide in the most delicious way...

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 _ **A/N: Tell me what you guys think of this chap? Come on, I'd really like to know your thoughts.**_

 _ **And thanks for the feedback on chapter 2.**_


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